2015

It's a new year again. 

My only new year resolution is to not be alone..

好想说句。。。

I don't knw hw to start expressing.. By accident, I saw e Instagram of my long long lost friend.. A very very very best friend of mine years ago.. I knw she has been doing very well, without me. Perhaps, she had never thought about me since then. But, I'm still reminded about her once in a while. 

Although I still think I'm not fully at fault over e incident, I feel like apologizing. I'm unsure why. Maybe she still blame me though, but I could bring myself to apologise either. At least up till this very moment. I guess, tts us. This way. Nobody would have thought this would happened. We used to be so close, now, we're less than strangers. 

Most likely, for my entire life, I wouldn't be able to meet her again, neither would our friendship be able to mend or be like before. A crack, tt would never be as good as new. 

I still think of her times when I'm doing things or buying stuffs or even singing songs tt we used to sing tgt. Those memory, will always etched in my mind. I clearly knw, she has forgotten. Despite tt, I'm really happy for her. She's leading e kind of life tt she wants. 

This blog is a space for myself, I would let anybody knw, just because I'm to keep these secret to myself. Thus, I would say all I want to tell her deep in my heart. Though nobody including this best friend of mine will ever see this. I guess I just need something to vent out my thoughts.

Xiuzhen, u are not forgotten by me. Somewhere deep in my heart, u still stay, as my one and only best friend. Forever. I'm truly sorry tt things turn out this way which was beyond all tt we expected. Sometimes, some part in me, some muscle in my heart and hand, wants very much to talk to u again. But I always stopped myself. I still rmb words tt u told me. U say u are not able to forgive. Initially, I also thought so tt I'm unable to forgive u. Years goes by, I realize u are still my best friend, even though I blame u, am angry with u, or even hated u. Times and again, I really hope u had once feel e same as me. But I knw, u were too hurt... I am as well, u didn't knw. And I didn't tell anyone. 或者我真的没有给你一次机会说明白。Maybe in life, we are bound to leave/lose some friends so dear to us. Only then we knw hw to treasure what's ahead of us and destiny just chose us. 

Anyway, I truly wish u all e best in life. Believe it or not, u are always my best friend. Since e first day we met in school. 希望你过得更好。但愿我们下一世，可以再成为最好的朋友。我告诉自己，一定会珍惜。

看穿。。

我依家先明白，原来我哋根本係两个世界的人。我终于都知道我哋不适合。我数月的坚持同尝试都係浪费时间和经历。在他眼中，我只不过係咯好普通、好普通唧朋友连话都达不上。。性格都係天与地这咩。。

Mixed feeling

2nd May - he offer me a ride back to e north after paper. I'm so happy, so excited because it's my first time taking his car and it's also his first time offering me. I couldn't describe my feels then. 

16th May - my last day taking e same paper as him. I was a little upsad since I might have to wait for another yr before I can ride on his car, enjoying e ride with him. On e side note, it's also his first time calling me on my phone! Since he's waiting for me to reply his offer again. =) 

It's just some simple act out of goodwill by him and it could happen to anybody. Ppl don't always appreciate calls and a ride offer. But I do, especially is by him. I'm really thankful for all his acts. I just wanted to record it down for my memory in future even though I knw I would never had a chance to be with him, as a couple. 

Nevertheless, as exams are ending especially when I can no longer see him again without any excuses or dates. I honestly have e urge everyday to date him out despite knowing he answer (he always reject my date out straight to my face). 

Do I really have to wait for another few mths before I can get to see him? Do I really have to wait till modules selection or release of result before I can text him? I don't want it to be like this~ I wanted us to be more than friends. But... I can't bring myself, I definitely don't have e courage to confess my feelings for him. Yeah, I knw, he will reject me again. I don't want to even lose this only friendship r/s with him which idk since when had become so precious to me. 

Yes, I couldn't answer. His presence has replaced someone else in my heart. Now, his everything means a lot to me.. Yet.. He don't get me.. Especially since I dropped so much hints to him over e past 6 mths at least! I didn't knw if he gets it but he choose to remains as friends or he innocently don't get it. I choose to believe e aftermath although my instinct told me it's my first thought. 

It hurts me, or rather disappoint me to knw tt he is nt into marriage and no intention into getting into it. It disappoint me to knw tt he is only interested in woman who is at least 1.7m of height because apparently, I am way shorter. Mummy told me tts only because he have yet to meet one whom he really liked. If he met one, he whatever listed as his criteria would become story. In other words, means he purely treated me as a normal friend. 

I don't want this I don't want this I don't want this! 

But... Other than respecting his choice, what else can I do? 

Speechless.

难道我的坚持是错的？

Coast is still nt clear

Why doesn't he knows hw I feel by now? Isn't it so much obvious? Is it tt he just don't get it or he doesn't feel anything tts y he pretends to not knw?  Can't he feels tt I feel sth for him? 

*upset* 

Upset, still..

I'm still pretty upset.. Spoken to my boss, he said as girls we shld wait for the right one who will live us for who we are instead of going after a man. Who don't know? But when's mine going to come? Or will it ever come? Idk. I just feel really envy of those girls who can found those who are mutually attracted and love them whole heartly and get married. I want them as well, but y can't I find one till now? Everybody is settling down, I'm left behind.. 

I felt so lonely at times, but I couldn't find somebody to tell to. I'm anxious of being alone.. Ppl says the more you're afraid, e more it will happen. Is it true? So this is happening to me? 

My friends once saw I have a huge mole on my breast. She told me tt ppl with it, their husband will dote on them a lot. But, I can't even find a boyfriend, how am I supposed to get a husband who will dote on me?

2014 Cny

Was supposed to be a happy Cny (by right). But I'm upset and feeling lonely. Have been having a crush on this guy for some time but he just don't seem to notice me or rather, e feeling wasn't mutual. 

Frankly speaking, I'm really envious and anxious at e same time. Seems like all my cousins are attached, and all those friend around me are getting married (engaged). I'm e only one left. This sense of loneliness has been lingering.. I wonder how much longer shld I wait? Or am I destined to be alone for e rest of my life? 

难道，我就不会再遇到我的缘分？此时此刻我很难过，好绝望。

伤感

伤感，不知是一时的情绪还是长期的感觉。不知几时开始，我钟意看李嘉诚的脸书，很有生活的教育意义，有小小的启发我小部分的心灵。还记得，他说过：当一个杯子，装满牛奶时，人们会说“这是杯牛奶”。当这个杯子装满了菜油，人们会说“这是杯菜油”。而只有当杯子是空置的时候，人们才看得到他是个杯子。我想，这故事说明，当我们心中装满了自己所有的私心，自己就已经不再是自己。他说，人们往往热衷于拥有很多，却往往难以真正拥有自己。我从不会真正欣赏，李嘉诚的名言，直道近期，我想领悟人生。你也可以说，因为，心已碎，魂已散。我想找回自己，以前的自己也好，新的自己也好。好像好想好想摆脱现在邦着，拖着我的那颗心的铁锁。或许有一天，我会解开心结但我知道，根本不会是这一招一日的事。

看见美芳去欧洲，几乎踏遍了，好羡慕。不知，这辈子轮不伦得到我。我想，不太可能。我的旅游计划，和我两年的恋情，消失了。虽然，对于恋情我可以说是十足把握永远死去。但是，旅游，还在隔着。不懂几时我会一时的冲动，找到了自己的勇气，一个人单独旅行。那可能会是一个还不错的感觉吧。不记得我是否有过叛逆的作为。对敢爱敢恨的人，非常敬佩与羡慕。他们可以终究与自己的情感，可以对得起自己的。不想我，永远都选择做只鸵鸟，注定被吃。

昨天，突然有个想法。有那个冲动很想去mandai，跟阿公说话。妈妈应该觉得很突然，很好奇。其实，我也有一刻被自己吓到。因为，在他生前我从不主动去探望他。他死后都快一年了，我才想拜祭。是不是很荒谬？我好像就属于那种，到了失去了才懂得珍贵。到快要失去了，才懂得要怜惜。往往，都已太迟。我突然想去找阿公，是因为我想和他说话。好可笑吗？我不懂得怎么把话跟活人讲，只觉得，阿公一定是成仙了，所以心理上我觉得他会明白我的感受，感觉还有想法。或者，只是对自己的一种安慰和寄托。

我还可以重新振作，找回，再拥有自己吗？

但愿时间会洗清一切

今天，我算是正式结束了我的感情生涯，恢复单身。不知道因该觉得开心还是难过，我好想哭，但我哭不出来。并不知道原因，也不知道为什么而难过。

坦白，两年多一个月就两年半的感情，我很不舍得，可是我迫不得已的放弃。因为选择权从一开始就不是我。从我们最后一次争吵导致分手，之间我们算是冷战了快两个星期。这段时间，我不断问自己：我到底是否因为很爱很爱他所以很难过，还是因为，我只是这么多年习惯了有人的陪伴。我答不出来，我只想好好哭一场。我好想把我和他一起的回忆洗掉，只想记得我们从未开始的那段时间。那是多么珍贵，可我们再也回不到从前。一切从此彻底的变了。

今天我和他吃饭，其实我有好多好多话想对他说，可是，我发现我已经不能像以前那样叽叽喳喳说个不停。我想，是那个伤痛淹没了我。还记得，他对我说以后，如果你毕业了，我的事业有了稳定一番，你再告诉我你想从新开始，我们可以再想想。当时，我其实问自己，他是否还爱我？只是想专心事业。我好可笑对吗？因为我很清楚，我也总觉得，过了今晚，我们不会再联络。最终，我没有想到我们之间的结局，尽是我曾经做过的梦。以前他时，只要把梦说出来，就不可能成真。但，我说了好多好多次，结果，还是我无法改变，是我最不想的事，发生了。我惟有自己一个人面对。那种伤心，人人都有过。但是真正发生，只有自己面对。突然觉得好无助。

他笑着问我，回家是否会哭。我告诉他我不会，没有为什么。我也真的以为我不会，我也希望我不会。没有为什么，就不知道，哭完了过后，要怎样。哭了，他也不知，就算知了，也不能改变一切。我相信，我们都不希望，之间的感情只不过是同情。他说他已经不像以前那样爱我了，我不知道我的心，是否难过。因为，此时此刻，我不清楚，我是麻木了，太伤心了，还是根本不爱他了。

记得，我对他的爱，并非一招一日，从好多年前，我就好爱他，可是，我没有机会。过了好几年，当我可以和他从新开始，我觉得，是缘分也好，上天也好，给我一个希望，还我多年心愿。我试过，我们都试过。虽然近几个月，我们的争吵多了，但是我觉得，可以和爱的人争吵，也是一种幸福。就在这里，我们疏远了。我不以为异，可他，因为吵太多所以不爱了。我们从本来的三个月争一次，慢慢的变成每个星期。不懂为何。

我们互不理睬的这几个星期，我翻回我们以前的话题，发现，原来，我们真的经常吵架。原来，是我没有觉得。因为，我也发现他经常迁就我，或许，他也累了。或许，这也是我难过得原因吧。好想摧毁了一段自己想要的感情。有时，想到这点，就好恨自己。但是，有时，真不懂如果要继续下去，我要怎麽告诉我的父母我们的关系。他，与我的家人之间，这两年来，我从不知如何取舍。这也是我们关系破裂的其中原因。

我老实说，如果现在可以给我机会复合，我真心的，很不想。可是，我并不大方，我其实好小气。我绝对不会祝福他发展新恋情。我承认，我自私。

此刻，我无法整理我的思绪，突然觉得自己很渺小。从不曾有过这种感觉，因为，认识我的人，都知道，陈慈慧，不管有没有本事，不管本领多小，都觉得自己好了不起。所以，我好讨厌现在的自己，好看不起现在的自己，毫不喜欢已经接近颓废的我，厌倦了在人前扮开心的我。我要如何从新来过，我并不知。我只是希望，我可以像自己想像中的自己一样，那么坚强，可以快点找回两年前的那个自己。

我从来不信鬼神的存在，因为我是一个相信自己，相信事在人为。此时，我好想说：天上的大家，求求你姑息我，或许我真的大错特错。因为我从不曾信你的存在，现在，我信你了。我看透你真本事大，可以掌控我的命运，控制我的情感，篇写我的得失，decide 我所拥有。我投降了，这一跤，我伤得很痛。千言万语无法形容的痛，我认输。我不会向你挑战，但求你再次写我的命运时，笔下留情。。

此生不忘

今天，上了一堂宝贵的课。我终于了解这些年妈妈对我的忠言逆耳了。

果然，同一句话出自不同人口中，有不同的效果。此刻我彻底明白，原来我将自己在你心目中的地位看得太高，太重要。但事实，根本完全相反。或者我一向来对自己太有信心，完完全全磨灭了我的自信。

我不知你是否有机会看见这篇，但此刻我没有想要公开，可是，我好难过。

Start from somewhere

Oh hi! I haven't been blogging since a while (erms, last post was like in 2011). Main point was because I'm real lazy, and secondly is I'm pretty busy over the years over everything. I would have to say, over these couple of years, too much things happened (good times, bad times), and my life changes pretty much. I hope that's something good in a way.

I would say, I have pretty much gave up blogging, completely. Now that I picked it up is mostly due to lualua (one of awesome friend I met in this 2 years). She have been urging me to blog, on and off. I didn't know she's still blogging! They bet I've forgotten my pw for blogger, and I really did (wtf). So, I had to reset my pw. Just to recreate a new blog and start everything new. So, yeah, my new blog is born, this day! wahahaha. Anyway, I'm keeping my fingers crossed as I wouldn't really have much time to really managed this. But I guess, since I decided to start blogging gradually, I'll really try to invest some time in it once in a while. Moreover, it's because I'm pretty available these days as I haven't start school, because I decided not to continue taking any module until I've gotten my results. So yeah, I'm enjoying life since Jun. Also, because piggy's went to M'sia for some business trip and I'm all alone!

Alright, till the next time I'm here! Hopefully soon~