看穿。。

我依家先明白，原来我哋根本係两个世界的人。我终于都知道我哋不适合。我数月的坚持同尝试都係浪费时间和经历。在他眼中，我只不过係咯好普通、好普通唧朋友连话都达不上。。性格都係天与地这咩。。

Mixed feeling

2nd May - he offer me a ride back to e north after paper. I'm so happy, so excited because it's my first time taking his car and it's also his first time offering me. I couldn't describe my feels then. 

16th May - my last day taking e same paper as him. I was a little upsad since I might have to wait for another yr before I can ride on his car, enjoying e ride with him. On e side note, it's also his first time calling me on my phone! Since he's waiting for me to reply his offer again. =) 

It's just some simple act out of goodwill by him and it could happen to anybody. Ppl don't always appreciate calls and a ride offer. But I do, especially is by him. I'm really thankful for all his acts. I just wanted to record it down for my memory in future even though I knw I would never had a chance to be with him, as a couple. 

Nevertheless, as exams are ending especially when I can no longer see him again without any excuses or dates. I honestly have e urge everyday to date him out despite knowing he answer (he always reject my date out straight to my face). 

Do I really have to wait for another few mths before I can get to see him? Do I really have to wait till modules selection or release of result before I can text him? I don't want it to be like this~ I wanted us to be more than friends. But... I can't bring myself, I definitely don't have e courage to confess my feelings for him. Yeah, I knw, he will reject me again. I don't want to even lose this only friendship r/s with him which idk since when had become so precious to me. 

Yes, I couldn't answer. His presence has replaced someone else in my heart. Now, his everything means a lot to me.. Yet.. He don't get me.. Especially since I dropped so much hints to him over e past 6 mths at least! I didn't knw if he gets it but he choose to remains as friends or he innocently don't get it. I choose to believe e aftermath although my instinct told me it's my first thought. 

It hurts me, or rather disappoint me to knw tt he is nt into marriage and no intention into getting into it. It disappoint me to knw tt he is only interested in woman who is at least 1.7m of height because apparently, I am way shorter. Mummy told me tts only because he have yet to meet one whom he really liked. If he met one, he whatever listed as his criteria would become story. In other words, means he purely treated me as a normal friend. 

I don't want this I don't want this I don't want this! 

But... Other than respecting his choice, what else can I do? 

Speechless.

难道我的坚持是错的？

Coast is still nt clear

Why doesn't he knows hw I feel by now? Isn't it so much obvious? Is it tt he just don't get it or he doesn't feel anything tts y he pretends to not knw?  Can't he feels tt I feel sth for him? 

*upset* 

Upset, still..

I'm still pretty upset.. Spoken to my boss, he said as girls we shld wait for the right one who will live us for who we are instead of going after a man. Who don't know? But when's mine going to come? Or will it ever come? Idk. I just feel really envy of those girls who can found those who are mutually attracted and love them whole heartly and get married. I want them as well, but y can't I find one till now? Everybody is settling down, I'm left behind.. 

I felt so lonely at times, but I couldn't find somebody to tell to. I'm anxious of being alone.. Ppl says the more you're afraid, e more it will happen. Is it true? So this is happening to me? 

My friends once saw I have a huge mole on my breast. She told me tt ppl with it, their husband will dote on them a lot. But, I can't even find a boyfriend, how am I supposed to get a husband who will dote on me?

2014 Cny

Was supposed to be a happy Cny (by right). But I'm upset and feeling lonely. Have been having a crush on this guy for some time but he just don't seem to notice me or rather, e feeling wasn't mutual. 

Frankly speaking, I'm really envious and anxious at e same time. Seems like all my cousins are attached, and all those friend around me are getting married (engaged). I'm e only one left. This sense of loneliness has been lingering.. I wonder how much longer shld I wait? Or am I destined to be alone for e rest of my life? 

难道，我就不会再遇到我的缘分？此时此刻我很难过，好绝望。

伤感

伤感，不知是一时的情绪还是长期的感觉。不知几时开始，我钟意看李嘉诚的脸书，很有生活的教育意义，有小小的启发我小部分的心灵。还记得，他说过：当一个杯子，装满牛奶时，人们会说“这是杯牛奶”。当这个杯子装满了菜油，人们会说“这是杯菜油”。而只有当杯子是空置的时候，人们才看得到他是个杯子。我想，这故事说明，当我们心中装满了自己所有的私心，自己就已经不再是自己。他说，人们往往热衷于拥有很多，却往往难以真正拥有自己。我从不会真正欣赏，李嘉诚的名言，直道近期，我想领悟人生。你也可以说，因为，心已碎，魂已散。我想找回自己，以前的自己也好，新的自己也好。好像好想好想摆脱现在邦着，拖着我的那颗心的铁锁。或许有一天，我会解开心结但我知道，根本不会是这一招一日的事。

看见美芳去欧洲，几乎踏遍了，好羡慕。不知，这辈子轮不伦得到我。我想，不太可能。我的旅游计划，和我两年的恋情，消失了。虽然，对于恋情我可以说是十足把握永远死去。但是，旅游，还在隔着。不懂几时我会一时的冲动，找到了自己的勇气，一个人单独旅行。那可能会是一个还不错的感觉吧。不记得我是否有过叛逆的作为。对敢爱敢恨的人，非常敬佩与羡慕。他们可以终究与自己的情感，可以对得起自己的。不想我，永远都选择做只鸵鸟，注定被吃。

昨天，突然有个想法。有那个冲动很想去mandai，跟阿公说话。妈妈应该觉得很突然，很好奇。其实，我也有一刻被自己吓到。因为，在他生前我从不主动去探望他。他死后都快一年了，我才想拜祭。是不是很荒谬？我好像就属于那种，到了失去了才懂得珍贵。到快要失去了，才懂得要怜惜。往往，都已太迟。我突然想去找阿公，是因为我想和他说话。好可笑吗？我不懂得怎么把话跟活人讲，只觉得，阿公一定是成仙了，所以心理上我觉得他会明白我的感受，感觉还有想法。或者，只是对自己的一种安慰和寄托。

我还可以重新振作，找回，再拥有自己吗？