2015

It's a new year again. 

My only new year resolution is to not be alone..

好想说句。。。

I don't knw hw to start expressing.. By accident, I saw e Instagram of my long long lost friend.. A very very very best friend of mine years ago.. I knw she has been doing very well, without me. Perhaps, she had never thought about me since then. But, I'm still reminded about her once in a while. 

Although I still think I'm not fully at fault over e incident, I feel like apologizing. I'm unsure why. Maybe she still blame me though, but I could bring myself to apologise either. At least up till this very moment. I guess, tts us. This way. Nobody would have thought this would happened. We used to be so close, now, we're less than strangers. 

Most likely, for my entire life, I wouldn't be able to meet her again, neither would our friendship be able to mend or be like before. A crack, tt would never be as good as new. 

I still think of her times when I'm doing things or buying stuffs or even singing songs tt we used to sing tgt. Those memory, will always etched in my mind. I clearly knw, she has forgotten. Despite tt, I'm really happy for her. She's leading e kind of life tt she wants. 

This blog is a space for myself, I would let anybody knw, just because I'm to keep these secret to myself. Thus, I would say all I want to tell her deep in my heart. Though nobody including this best friend of mine will ever see this. I guess I just need something to vent out my thoughts.

Xiuzhen, u are not forgotten by me. Somewhere deep in my heart, u still stay, as my one and only best friend. Forever. I'm truly sorry tt things turn out this way which was beyond all tt we expected. Sometimes, some part in me, some muscle in my heart and hand, wants very much to talk to u again. But I always stopped myself. I still rmb words tt u told me. U say u are not able to forgive. Initially, I also thought so tt I'm unable to forgive u. Years goes by, I realize u are still my best friend, even though I blame u, am angry with u, or even hated u. Times and again, I really hope u had once feel e same as me. But I knw, u were too hurt... I am as well, u didn't knw. And I didn't tell anyone. 或者我真的没有给你一次机会说明白。Maybe in life, we are bound to leave/lose some friends so dear to us. Only then we knw hw to treasure what's ahead of us and destiny just chose us. 

Anyway, I truly wish u all e best in life. Believe it or not, u are always my best friend. Since e first day we met in school. 希望你过得更好。但愿我们下一世，可以再成为最好的朋友。我告诉自己，一定会珍惜。

看穿。。

我依家先明白，原来我哋根本係两个世界的人。我终于都知道我哋不适合。我数月的坚持同尝试都係浪费时间和经历。在他眼中，我只不过係咯好普通、好普通唧朋友连话都达不上。。性格都係天与地这咩。。

Mixed feeling

2nd May - he offer me a ride back to e north after paper. I'm so happy, so excited because it's my first time taking his car and it's also his first time offering me. I couldn't describe my feels then. 

16th May - my last day taking e same paper as him. I was a little upsad since I might have to wait for another yr before I can ride on his car, enjoying e ride with him. On e side note, it's also his first time calling me on my phone! Since he's waiting for me to reply his offer again. =) 

It's just some simple act out of goodwill by him and it could happen to anybody. Ppl don't always appreciate calls and a ride offer. But I do, especially is by him. I'm really thankful for all his acts. I just wanted to record it down for my memory in future even though I knw I would never had a chance to be with him, as a couple. 

Nevertheless, as exams are ending especially when I can no longer see him again without any excuses or dates. I honestly have e urge everyday to date him out despite knowing he answer (he always reject my date out straight to my face). 

Do I really have to wait for another few mths before I can get to see him? Do I really have to wait till modules selection or release of result before I can text him? I don't want it to be like this~ I wanted us to be more than friends. But... I can't bring myself, I definitely don't have e courage to confess my feelings for him. Yeah, I knw, he will reject me again. I don't want to even lose this only friendship r/s with him which idk since when had become so precious to me. 

Yes, I couldn't answer. His presence has replaced someone else in my heart. Now, his everything means a lot to me.. Yet.. He don't get me.. Especially since I dropped so much hints to him over e past 6 mths at least! I didn't knw if he gets it but he choose to remains as friends or he innocently don't get it. I choose to believe e aftermath although my instinct told me it's my first thought. 

It hurts me, or rather disappoint me to knw tt he is nt into marriage and no intention into getting into it. It disappoint me to knw tt he is only interested in woman who is at least 1.7m of height because apparently, I am way shorter. Mummy told me tts only because he have yet to meet one whom he really liked. If he met one, he whatever listed as his criteria would become story. In other words, means he purely treated me as a normal friend. 

I don't want this I don't want this I don't want this! 

But... Other than respecting his choice, what else can I do? 

Speechless.

难道我的坚持是错的？

Coast is still nt clear

Why doesn't he knows hw I feel by now? Isn't it so much obvious? Is it tt he just don't get it or he doesn't feel anything tts y he pretends to not knw?  Can't he feels tt I feel sth for him? 

*upset* 

Upset, still..

I'm still pretty upset.. Spoken to my boss, he said as girls we shld wait for the right one who will live us for who we are instead of going after a man. Who don't know? But when's mine going to come? Or will it ever come? Idk. I just feel really envy of those girls who can found those who are mutually attracted and love them whole heartly and get married. I want them as well, but y can't I find one till now? Everybody is settling down, I'm left behind.. 

I felt so lonely at times, but I couldn't find somebody to tell to. I'm anxious of being alone.. Ppl says the more you're afraid, e more it will happen. Is it true? So this is happening to me? 

My friends once saw I have a huge mole on my breast. She told me tt ppl with it, their husband will dote on them a lot. But, I can't even find a boyfriend, how am I supposed to get a husband who will dote on me?